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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 08 Mar 2008, 04:41 pm
I. Care
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Posts: n/a
Default How to change Oil

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00



Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess
skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!



--
I. Care
Address fake until the SPAM goes away ;-}
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  #2 (permalink)  
Old 10 Mar 2008, 01:03 pm
C. E. White
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: How to change Oil


"I. Care" <icare@spamthis.com> wrote in message
news:MPG.223cb6068419f44c989a8f@newsgroups.comcast .net...
> Oil Change instructions for Women:
>
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
> last oil change.
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee
> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
> vehicle.
>
> Money spent:
> Oil Change: $20.00
> Coffee: $1.00
> Total: $21.00


You are leaving off the new engine becasue the Jiffy Lube guy forgot to
install the drain plug, or didn't porplery install the filter, or just
forgot to add oil. So add $5k for the new engine.

Ed


>
>
>
> Oil Change instructions for Men :
>
> 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
> filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
> $50.00.
> 2) Stop and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
> Cuss.
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
> kitty litter on spilled oil.
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
> and twist off
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
> can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
> gasket surface.
> 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> 19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> 21) Drink beer.
> 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
> kitty litter on oil spill.
> 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
> 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
> rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
> tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess
> skin between knuckles and frame.
> 25) Begin cussing fit.
> 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
> 28) Beer.
> 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
> 30) Beer.
> 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> 32) Beer.
> 33) Lower car from jack stands.
> 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
> any missed steps.
> 35) Beer.
> 36) Test drive car.
> 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> 38) Car gets impounded.
> 39) Call loving wife, make bail.
> 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
>
> Money spent:
> Parts: $50.00
> DUI: $2500.00
> Impound fee: $75.00
> Bail: $1500.00
> Beer: $20.00
> Total: $4,145.00
> But you know the job was done right!
>
>
>
> --
> I. Care
> Address fake until the SPAM goes away ;-}



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  #3 (permalink)  
Old 10 Mar 2008, 02:09 pm
motsco_
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: How to change Oil

C. E. White wrote:
> "I. Care" <icare@spamthis.com> wrote in message
> news:MPG.223cb6068419f44c989a8f@newsgroups.comcast .net...
>> Oil Change instructions for Women:
>>
>> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
>> last oil change.
>> 2) Drink a cup of coffee
>> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
>> vehicle.
>>
>> Money spent:
>> Oil Change: $20.00
>> Coffee: $1.00
>> Total: $21.00

>


--------------------------

Goofy Lube / Lube Monkey seems to be charging closer to $50 in Canada .
.. . They certainly don't take 'checks' from anybody either.

Well written, otherwise. The handyman sounds like my ex-neighbor.

'Curly'
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  #4 (permalink)  
Old 10 Mar 2008, 08:04 pm
CJB
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: How to change Oil


"C. E. White" <cewhite3@mindspring.com> wrote in message
news:13tatugk006go07@corp.supernews.com...
>
> "I. Care" <icare@spamthis.com> wrote in message
> news:MPG.223cb6068419f44c989a8f@newsgroups.comcast .net...
>> Oil Change instructions for Women:
>>
>> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
>> last oil change.
>> 2) Drink a cup of coffee
>> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
>> vehicle.
>>
>> Money spent:
>> Oil Change: $20.00
>> Coffee: $1.00
>> Total: $21.00

>
> You are leaving off the new engine becasue the Jiffy Lube guy forgot to
> install the drain plug, or didn't porplery install the filter, or just
> forgot to add oil. So add $5k for the new engine.
>
> Ed


Exactly. Even if you catch the problem before the engine is ruined, it
still will cost money to fix their errors sometimes. I've personally had
quick lube places put 3 quarts too much in, 5 quarts too little in (in an
old van that held 7 or 8 quarts), install the wrong filter, strip the
threads on the filter nipple, strip the threads on the drain pan, fail to
change the filter, lie repeatedly about checking the rear axle lube and ruin
a ring and pinion...

I used to think I was too busy to do it myself until I realized how much
damage some of these places had done.

CJB


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  #5 (permalink)  
Old 10 Mar 2008, 08:05 pm
CJB
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: How to change Oil


"CJB" <colonyparkwagon@excite.com> wrote in message
news:kUkBj.9692$wM2.201@trnddc07...
>
> "C. E. White" <cewhite3@mindspring.com> wrote in message
> news:13tatugk006go07@corp.supernews.com...
>>
>> "I. Care" <icare@spamthis.com> wrote in message
>> news:MPG.223cb6068419f44c989a8f@newsgroups.comcast .net...
>>> Oil Change instructions for Women:
>>>
>>> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
>>> last oil change.
>>> 2) Drink a cup of coffee
>>> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
>>> vehicle.
>>>
>>> Money spent:
>>> Oil Change: $20.00
>>> Coffee: $1.00
>>> Total: $21.00

>>
>> You are leaving off the new engine becasue the Jiffy Lube guy forgot to
>> install the drain plug, or didn't porplery install the filter, or just
>> forgot to add oil. So add $5k for the new engine.
>>
>> Ed

>
> Exactly. Even if you catch the problem before the engine is ruined, it
> still will cost money to fix their errors sometimes. I've personally had
> quick lube places put 3 quarts too much in, 5 quarts too little in (in an
> old van that held 7 or 8 quarts), install the wrong filter, strip the
> threads on the filter nipple, strip the threads on the drain pan, fail to
> change the filter, lie repeatedly about checking the rear axle lube and
> ruin a ring and pinion...
>
> I used to think I was too busy to do it myself until I realized how much
> damage some of these places had done.
>
> CJB



Oh, and Jiffy Lube, of all places, is the worst I ever visited.

CJB


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  #6 (permalink)  
Old 10 Mar 2008, 11:45 pm
Whitelightning
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: How to change Oil


"CJB" <colonyparkwagon@excite.com> wrote in message
news:UVkBj.9701$wM2.5271@trnddc07...
>
>
> Oh, and Jiffy Lube, of all places, is the worst I ever visited.
>
> CJB
>


But you can make good money fixing thier screw ups, like when they put power
steering fluid in the master cylinder.

Whitelightning


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  #7 (permalink)  
Old 12 Mar 2008, 08:17 am
lopper6pob@pasta.com
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: How to change Oil

On Tue, 11 Mar 2008 01:04:16 GMT, "CJB" <colonyparkwagon@excite.com>
wrote:

>
>"C. E. White" <cewhite3@mindspring.com> wrote in message
>news:13tatugk006go07@corp.supernews.com...
>>
>> "I. Care" <icare@spamthis.com> wrote in message
>> news:MPG.223cb6068419f44c989a8f@newsgroups.comcast .net...
>>> Oil Change instructions for Women:
>>>
>>> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
>>> last oil change.
>>> 2) Drink a cup of coffee
>>> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
>>> vehicle.
>>>
>>> Money spent:
>>> Oil Change: $20.00
>>> Coffee: $1.00
>>> Total: $21.00

>>
>> You are leaving off the new engine becasue the Jiffy Lube guy forgot to
>> install the drain plug, or didn't porplery install the filter, or just
>> forgot to add oil. So add $5k for the new engine.
>>
>> Ed

>
>Exactly. Even if you catch the problem before the engine is ruined, it
>still will cost money to fix their errors sometimes. I've personally had
>quick lube places put 3 quarts too much in, 5 quarts too little in (in an
>old van that held 7 or 8 quarts), install the wrong filter, strip the
>threads on the filter nipple, strip the threads on the drain pan, fail to
>change the filter, lie repeatedly about checking the rear axle lube and ruin
>a ring and pinion...
>
>I used to think I was too busy to do it myself until I realized how much
>damage some of these places had done.
>
>CJB
>


Hey, I used to work at an oil change place and we always did a great
job. We drained out some of the old oil, checked the filter, and we
always made sure the customer got their money's worth of oil. We
always gave them plenty oil, because we filled the engine with oil
until it was filled right to the top of the engine. If some oil oozed
out when we put on the oil cap, we knew our job was perfect.

Unfortunately I was fired. My boss claims I stold oil because he said
we used it too fast. Then he complained that we did not use these
round metal things with a hole in one end, and came in cardboard boxes
(whatever they were). I dont know why he wanted to get rid of those
things. What an asshole.
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  #8 (permalink)  
Old 12 Mar 2008, 09:14 am
ScottM
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: How to change Oil


"Whitelightning" <white.lightning2@verizon.net> wrote in message
news:a8oBj.2324$Qy3.1140@trnddc03...
>
> "CJB" <colonyparkwagon@excite.com> wrote in message
> news:UVkBj.9701$wM2.5271@trnddc07...
>>
>>
>> Oh, and Jiffy Lube, of all places, is the worst I ever visited.
>>
>> CJB
>>

>
> But you can make good money fixing thier screw ups, like when they put
> power steering fluid in the master cylinder.
>
> Whitelightning

Its a long story but the end was: I had to teach the manager of one of
those lube shops how to lube the front end of my truck!

He was a kid of about 19. I told the dumbass in the pit about 3 times to
please not forget to get the upper ball joints. I could see he never did so
I looked when he was done and turns out he didn't lube ANY of the fittings!
Thats when I went back and had a talk with the manager and went in the pit
with him to look at it. Thats when the lube lesson began. The thing that
sucked about it was the only reason I went there was I wanted it lubed.
Lazy Morons................


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  #9 (permalink)  
Old 12 Mar 2008, 05:33 pm
DanKMTB@gmail.com
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: How to change Oil

On Mar 10, 9:04 pm, "CJB" <colonyparkwa...@excite.com> wrote:
> "C. E. White" <cewhi...@mindspring.com> wrote in messagenews:13tatugk006go07@corp.supernews.com...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > "I. Care" <ic...@spamthis.com> wrote in message
> >news:MPG.223cb6068419f44c989a8f@newsgroups.comcas t.net...
> >> Oil Change instructions for Women:

>
> >> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
> >> last oil change.
> >> 2) Drink a cup of coffee
> >> 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
> >> vehicle.

>
> >> Money spent:
> >> Oil Change: $20.00
> >> Coffee: $1.00
> >> Total: $21.00

>
> > You are leaving off the new engine becasue the Jiffy Lube guy forgot to
> > install the drain plug, or didn't porplery install the filter, or just
> > forgot to add oil. So add $5k for the new engine.

>
> > Ed

>
> Exactly. Even if you catch the problem before the engine is ruined, it
> still will cost money to fix their errors sometimes. I've personally had
> quick lube places put 3 quarts too much in, 5 quarts too little in (in an
> old van that held 7 or 8 quarts), install the wrong filter, strip the
> threads on the filter nipple, strip the threads on the drain pan, fail to
> change the filter, lie repeatedly about checking the rear axle lube and ruin
> a ring and pinion...
>
> I used to think I was too busy to do it myself until I realized how much
> damage some of these places had done.
>
> CJB- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -


My experiences have been similar. I did it myself a few times in high
school, and decided it was costing me almost as much in oil &
filters. I was busy, and got in the habit of letting other places do
it. Then one day I brought my beloved ricer car to the quick lube
spot. About 10 minutes into my ride home I noticed this horrid
smell. Couldn't place it, so I pulled over and popped the hood. The
fools had forgotten to replace the oil fill cover! I'd been running
the car HARD since I left, and apparently oil doesn't stay in the
engine very well near redline with no fill cover. The entire shiny
under-hood display that I'd spent so much time & TLC on was COVERED
with oil. COVERED! I don't know if I ever got it as clean as it had
been.

Then, a few years later, this girl I'd just started to date brought
her car to Pep Boys for a tune-up. Her dad bought the car for her,
and it had always been dealer maintained to the letter until she moved
out. I told her to use my mechanic or the dealer, but she liked the
location and price of PB. They cross-threaded a plug into the engine,
and then muffed up the heli-coil they tried to hide their mistake
with. They ended up giving the car back like that saying it was
already like that, and that any further action on their part would
have to be the result of a lawsuit. I bought the car, with a book
value of about 7K, for $1300. That was her dads number, because
that's what the last service at the dealership (less than 6 months
previous) had cost. I spent another $1300 on a 5K mile engine,
installed, and drove it for a while. Then I sold it.

You'd think she would have learned. That car was replaced by another
daddy gift, a 99 Subaru Legacy wagon. About a year later she had it
quicky-lubed, and they didn't put enough oil in. She then ignored the
sounds and lights until the engine blew. Now she's driving an 87
Integra I found her for $300.

So yeah, I don't care if it's cold, windy, snowing, whatever. Either
I change my oil, or if conditions won't allow it my mechanic who I
know and trust does it. F*** quicky lube.
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  #10 (permalink)  
Old 12 Mar 2008, 07:46 pm
Shawn
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: How to change Oil


"ScottM" <no@no.com> wrote in message news:47d7e560$0$6151$4c368faf@roadrunner.com...
>
> "Whitelightning" <white.lightning2@verizon.net> wrote in message news:a8oBj.2324$Qy3.1140@trnddc03...
>>
>> "CJB" <colonyparkwagon@excite.com> wrote in message news:UVkBj.9701$wM2.5271@trnddc07...
>>>
>>>
>>> Oh, and Jiffy Lube, of all places, is the worst I ever visited.
>>>
>>> CJB
>>>

>>
>> But you can make good money fixing thier screw ups, like when they put power steering fluid in the master cylinder.
>>
>> Whitelightning

> Its a long story but the end was: I had to teach the manager of one of those lube shops how to lube the front end of my truck!
>
> He was a kid of about 19. I told the dumbass in the pit about 3 times to please not forget to get the upper ball joints. I could
> see he never did so I looked when he was done and turns out he didn't lube ANY of the fittings! Thats when I went back and had a
> talk with the manager and went in the pit with him to look at it. Thats when the lube lesson began. The thing that sucked about it
> was the only reason I went there was I wanted it lubed.
> Lazy Morons................


Kinda sad that you have to pay for a job & do it yourself. Some oil change joints
are better than others. Here in Northern New England, there is a chain called
"Pronto". I have taken all of our company automobiles there & after years of
service, no problems. As for my own oil, I prefer to change it myself.



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